How To Throw One Party
Just one party...
Written by Mark Grapengater
“A party is an act of faith — and hope, and love as well.”
—Robert Farrar Capon
“You have to fight for your right to party.”
—Beastie Boys
We need to throw parties. We’re more lonely, depressed, and isolated than ever before. That’s well documented here, here, and here. And just about everywhere.
But the real question is how does one throw a party. Who do we invite? How many people do we invite? What do we make? There can be loads of details to manage, pressures of perfection a la Martha Stewart, the desire to make it Instagram-able, or some other party that we have experienced and want to try to live up to.
However, a party is a sacramental thing. It takes the ordinary and makes it extraordinary. It takes food, drinks, and relationships and raises them up as mediators of deepening our experience of life. In these ordinary elements, parties uplift our spirits. I remember during COVID when I was depressed about the state of the world. I thought, “What do I do when I’m feeling low? I throw a party!” But I couldn’t even do that and found myself shaking my fist at the Heavens, pleading with God that we could so some kind of gathering. Now that we can throw parties again, we endeavor to throw a party every month. And parties also deepen our relationships with those around us. We often have follow-up conversations — lunches, coffees, or beers — to dig deeper into their lives and have the opportunity to share our life with them also. Even just one party can work miracles.
So how do we throw one party? I want to offer twelve considerations when throwing a party.
Keep It Simple.
I am the king of overdoing it. Even when I plan something low-key I get carried away. After all, more is more. But “more” can be overwhelming too. Keep your party well within your lane. Not a cook, don’t try to cook! Not a mixologist, don’t do cocktails! We have thrown parties where we order pizza and we stand around the counter, while the kids eat at the table. We’ve hired a taco truck to come, even when it would have been cheaper for us to make the food. But keeping it simple allows us to offer ourselves to our guests, not just entertain them.
Pick a Theme.
Like the borders of a canvas, a theme provides boundaries. Every year we throw a party to raise money for our kids’ elementary school. It’s an eight-course dinner with wine pairings. To help focus my efforts, we choose a theme to guide our food, music, and drinks. It helps keep me on course for what we are offering. We cook pancakes for Shrove Tuesday (Fat Tuesday), or for the Super Bowl party, we make sub-sandwiches. We co-opt any “holiday” we possibly can to narrow our focus for what we are going to provide, who we are going to invite over, and just, basically, everything about the party! This narrows down so much about what you are going to do. Maybe you want to do an oysters and champagne party, or a pizza party, or desserts, or a wine tasting. The best part is if you get carried away with another idea, you get to throw another party! (We have been trying to throw a vinyl listening party for the better half of two years!)
Location.
Where are you going to be? I think this is an underrated consideration. Likely, you’ll be throwing a party in your house. How many can your home comfortably hold? What’s the weather going to be? Will you be inside and outside? Do you have enough tables and chairs for those whom you invite? Or will it be standing room only? A friend of ours in Atlanta works for Chick-Fil-A. She designs the layout of their stores. She determines things like where the bathrooms and trash cans are in order to move people through the space, so they don’t just congregate in one spot. When we throw parties at home, we find most people congregate in the kitchen, no matter how tight or busy it gets. If the weather is nice, we set up tables and chairs outside to move people around the space. We place the drink station away from the food, or the entrance, so that people move through the space. We also know there are just places in our home in which people rarely congregate, even if it’s the more comfortable room.
Invite list.
This is one of the hardest parts to decide. We often throw parties over 50 so narrowing it down can be very hard for us. But we also find, there are certain events when we can only handle 30 people — and this includes children, as they are the ones that bring the energy! We try to be intentional in our invites. If we didn’t invite the “Smith” family last time, we invite them the next time. We list out the number of adults and kids for each event. And we often use an online invitation platform like Evite to manage the invite list. But I’ve heard it said that a proper dinner party is between eight and twelve guests. For those who are just starting to throw parties, I think this is a good and manageable number. Again, theme and simplicity reign.
Kids.
We hosted a Christmas Party one year and invited about 80 people, not realizing half of them would be kids and chaos would ensue. It was a challenging night for us and we have adjusted accordingly. Kids bring energy and lots of it. They don’t understand boundaries, so you often have to set them for them. I have come to realize that, with gentleness and grace, our house rules should be enforced for even the littlest ones, but especially those on the verge of puberty — I’m talking about 4th and 5th graders especially! Pick up any toys that are special to your kids, particularly those which they have trouble sharing. We don’t want them to break or to fight over them. Our kids have grown in their ability to share, but it takes time. We also remove any toys that might cause chaos. Nerf guns: we just don’t have enough for everyone; cozy coupes: which are especially tempting for older kids to climb on top of and push at full speed around the yard; hard bats and balls: someone is going to be too close to a home run swing and we have windows on the back of our house.
Start & Finish Time.
Look, I love a good party that goes late into the night. I will rarely tell people it’s closing time, but there also have to be some boundaries. We always list a start and finish time, knowing that they are suggestions more than hard and fast rules. Most people are going to show up fashionably late, though occasionally people show up early (super throws us off our game)! So we always build a buffer in at the beginning for the food or whatever we’ve prepared. We also try to let people know when it’s time to go home in a polite way! Saying it’s over at 10pm does not make you a bad host. In fact, it makes you a great host. People who stay till midnight are taking advantage of your hospitality — and sometimes they need to be told to leave!
“What can I bring?”
You don’t have to be alone in your party hosting! Your guests want to have a role in your party! You are not just here to entertain them. While we typically provide the main dish and drinks, have items in mind that you want them to bring. It can be specific items, though these are suggestions, not rules (I’ve learned the hard way on this); or you can be more general: some fruit, a side-dish, or a dessert. This takes pressure off your preparation, but also allows them to bring something of themselves to the party, making them a participant, a co-host even, rather than a parasite. And if they are unable to bring something, you can offer them grace knowing that their presence is enough.
Cleanliness.
Your house doesn’t have to be spotless and perfect, but it should be clean and moderately picked up. We once held a Friendsgiving a few days after our toilet overflowed and our house looked like that scene in E.T., complete with plastic walls, exposed sub-floors, and commercial-grade blowers to dry the floor. You are inviting people to eat in your house, after all. A quick pick up and vacuum should be sufficient. Except when it comes to your bathrooms. They should be very clean. Wipe the surfaces down, make sure there is plenty of toilet paper and hand soap, and no skid marks in the bowl. A spray bottle of poopouri should live on the back of your toilet. And keep a plunger in there for that one, particular guest — you know who they are already!
Plan, Prep, Plan.
During the week of prep for the annual auction party, it is the most organized week of my life. I plan my days for where and when I’m going to buy food, where I plan on storing it, when I’m going to prep it, and how I’m going to fire it during the party. I write lists and lists and lists, still knowing that I’m going to forget something at the last minute. I plan for that too. Even if we are hosting one family at our house, I will write out the meal in all its parts so that I don’t forget anything.
Amounts of food/drinks.
I said the invite list is the hardest part, but often this can be hard too. How can you judge how hungry and thirsty a crowd is going to be? My worst fear is running out of food or drink. My mom had a formula for buying pizza for our youth group growing up: 2.5 slices per kid. Some will eat four, others will eat one. When I buy food for a normal party, I plan about a half-pound of meat per person, but I only count the adults in this calculation — kids barely eat. A fifteen pound pork butt will feed about 30 people. When it comes to drinks, I guess about 2-2.5 per adult. People usually bring some beer or a bottle of wine, and we add that to the cooler. We almost always have some leftovers. Those become our dinners over the next week, or we freeze it, or we send it with our guests! Further, have a couple non-alcoholic options for the adults too. People are imbibing differently for lots of different reasons and there are some decent n/a options out there now.
Music.
You gotta have music. Get a decent bluetooth speaker, Sonos, Alexa, or something. One for each space too, I would argue. That way it doesn’t have to be turned up to 11, but they can each fill the background of the conversation. Choose your music based on your theme or your vibe that day. Choose something that can play and you don’t have to think about the lyrics! For some of our parties, we employ music-minded guests to curate a playlist, but most music services have their own playlists set up for any mood, genre, party, etc.
Enjoy!
Robert Farrar Capon gives the advice that 15 minutes before the party is about to begin and the guests are about to arrive, pour yourself a glass of something, take a seat, and let the party begin — for yourself. Even as the host, you have the right, nay responsibility to enjoy yourself! You must! I’ll tell you a secret: there are a number of reasons why your guests have heeded your invitation, but the number one reason is you. The food could suck; the drinks could run out; but more than offering these to your guests, you are offering yourself. For in throwing a party, you have just joined heaven and earth together, albeit temporarily, for a few hours — take part in the feast that is at hand.
One final note: Part of the joy of throwing a party is the gathering of kith and kin to warm your home; another part is the throwing of the party with kith and kin. I wouldn’t be able to throw one party, let alone one each month without my wife helping me. She manages the “front of the house” details, whilst I manage the “back of the house” items. Sometimes we even get the kids involved! One of my greatest memories is having our two oldest kids pick herbs. Sitting shoulder to shoulder, they talked about their lives with one another. Because even in the act of throwing a party, we are foreshadowing the communion that is to come.
